The Psychology of Lily Evans
by littlegreens
Summary: A series of one-shot memories written in attempt to create, as well as understand, the unknown psychology of a celebrity martyr before her untimely end. Expect many personal headcanon and attempts to wax philosophical.


**A/N: **I'm fascinated by Lily Evans.

There's not a lot of things known about her, beside innocuous descriptions in the canon that sing her praises. She's beautiful, kind, gracious, and talented; her character traits ring with extreme reverence, especially in light of the sacrifice she made to save her only son. But what of her before that? What was her childhood? What were her struggles? What were her high points, as well as low points? Who _was_ the girl before the celebrity? As a person who roleplays Lily on a constant basis, I aim to find out.

My goal is to flesh out not only a well balanced character, but a person as well: a person with thoughts, dreams and fears. You may join me on this journey if you'd like.

All of my observations are my personal conjecture, but I do my best to stick as closely to the canon as possible.

* * *

"What are you doing in here?"

The words were innocent, perhaps even expected, and yet Lily was still caught off guard when she heard them. She stared at Petunia's slacked jaw, which held the remnants of a halfhearted sneer, as her eyes glared upward toward the red-head standing at the threshold of her room. It took seconds for Lily to bring herself to speak.

"I want to know why you're not coming camping," Lily explained carefully, trying to sound as neutral as possible. "Mum and Dad said that—"

"What does it matter to you?"

It was yet another anticipated statement that left Lily gobsmacked, though she couldn't rightfully discern why. She supposed that her expectations for these encounters were much too lofty for Petunia to ever reach, though it had never discouraged Lily from trying. She was stubborn enough to believe that perhaps, for _once_, she would say the right thing to make Petunia change her mind, so that she would see sense.

She was wrong. Petunia was more difficult to argue with than Severus was.

"How about because we're family? Because Mum and Dad are disappointed that you decided to abandon us—"

Petunia let out a horrid squeal of a guffaw, the pitch of which caused Lily to wince visibly. Petunia then shot her a look with her cold azure eyes as her mouth curled into a frown. "That's a laugh," she drawled. "Mum and Dad could not care less if I wasn't there. They've got _you_, after all."

There was something about Petunia's tone that rubbed her in all the wrong ways, but Lily attempted to remain as irenic as possible. Though, with every second that passed, she felt her resolve diminishing under the judgmental and bitter glower of her sister. "Tuney, you know that's not true—"

"Don't even _start_ with that 'Tuney' nonsense!" Petunia suddenly spat, standing from her bed as she slowly made her way toward the door. "What are you, Lily? Twelve? Do you think that at this juncture you can win me over with childish pet names, that positively nauseating sweet tone—"

"I'm not trying to do _anything_—"

"Really? Because I thought you came knocking at my door in order to manipulate me into doing what _you_ want me to do." Petunia's hand went to the door, pulling it away from Lily slightly as she placed her other hand on her hip. "That's exactly what _your_ lot would do. You're not going to get a thing from me, because I know better! I won't fall for your nasty little tricks!"

"Petunia, please," Lily urged. However, Petunia had already begun to close the door right on her. Lily reacted immediately, blocking the hinge and pushing with all her weight so that the door could not close. Eventually she was able to push herself through to the inside, grunting softly as she straightened out her clothes.

"Oh, just get out!" Petunia snapped, throwing the door open again.

"No, not until we sort this out—"

"Sort what out, exactly? Everyone is perfectly alright with what I had planned. All except for _you_, of course. It's so very _like_ you to pull stunts like this when you aren't getting what you want—"

"That's not what this is about!" Lily exclaimed. Her outburst was followed by a silence between the both of them, as it had been the first time Lily raised her voice the entire conversation. Petunia looked less than chastised and merely crossed her arms over her chest, as her head dropped to a slant. Lily took a moment to breathe, composing herself before she spoke again. "Petunia, this will be the last time we'll ever really get to spend time together, as a _family_—"

"Hardly," Petunia interrupted, scoffing.

"Yes, Petunia, we _are_ family, whether you like it or not. And I _do_ want to spend time with you, because this may be the last time we ever really…" Lily's voice faltered as her countenance fell to something quite sullen, though Petunia only viewed her grief with skepticism. She would have never known, but Lily truly _was_ afraid that this would be the last time she could ever be with Petunia again; the last time she would ever have the chance to make amends for all the horrible things that happened between them both.

"It's a little late for that, don't you think?" Petunia asked, pursing her lips.

"Maybe," Lily admitted sheepishly. "But you haven't exactly been generous with your time…"

"And why would I? I told you, I want nothing to do with you or your lot. You're all a bunch of freaks, as far as I am concerned. I don't care how much mother and father sing your praises, it doesn't take away from the fact that you're no more than an _abomination_."

Lily had to admit, that hurt. She had taken too much rejection to heart as of late, and Petunia's words were the final twist of the knife. When did Petunia begin to think so lowly of her? Her mind idly wondered if had occurred around the same time Severus had been forming the same exact opinions.

"I love you, Petunia," Lily then tried, sounding a bit more desperate than she had intended. In fact, there was a slight quiver in her voice that she hadn't caught, but wasn't lost on Petunia. She grew confident, puffing her chest up as she smirked at Lily victoriously. It must have felt good to be in such a position of power over Lily, for once.

"I have no need of your love," Petunia stated icily. "Perhaps you should go waste it on your own kind? Maybe that Snape boy you fawned over so much?"

Another twist of the knife. Petunia knew better, but she had chosen her words carefully. They were _meant_ to jab, to be injuring assaults against her very _soul_. Perhaps if Lily were in a better state of mind, she would have withstood the attack with more poise, maybe even with more stoicism, but her emotions had already been invoked, and there was little Lily could do to quell the torrent.

"That's horrid of you Petunia," Lily murmured. "You know Severus—"

"Got some sense?" Petunia hissed. She stepped closer to Lily, pushing her face closer to hers as tried to maneuver the defenseless girl toward the door again. "At least there's some hope for your kind. He had the intelligence to sort out what was valuable and what was not."

However, Lily was not defenseless, and Petunia had gone too far. In a sudden rush of anger, Lily's hand went to her pocket. She pulled out her wand brandished it with malevolent intent. Petunia seemed shocked, perhaps even affronted, at Lily's gall, as she quickly distanced herself from her. After a moment's time had passed, Petunia's eyes grew amused, though she could not completely erase the apprehension from her expression.

"Do you think I'm stupid? I know you're not allowed to do magic outside of school. Snape said so."

Lily's face was unreadable. "When was my birthday, Petunia?"

Petunia's expression turned something sour, nose upturned and scrunched as if she had smelled something foul. "What kind of idiotic question is that?"

"I'm seveneteen."

"So?"

"So," Lily mocked in a high pitched voice. "I'm an adult. I'm allowed to do magic now."

Petunia fell silent for quite some time, looking between Lily's wand and her face, and seeming as if she were trying to calculate the answer to some sort of cryptic riddle laid out before her. Lily remained firm in her resolve as she waited for Petunia to speak again.

"It doesn't matter," Petunia concluded after some time, crossing her arms again. "You couldn't, even if you wanted."

And Petunia was right. She couldn't. But there was no possible way that Lily was going to let her know that. Lily's eyes narrowed dangerously as she watched Petunia continue to watch her with that cruel, vainglorious gaze. It caused Lily's blood to run cold, thrumming through her veins like ice. The longer she stood there, the more she felt as if her insides were calcifying, encased in a tomb of flesh and bone. Lily wanted to say something, but she couldn't find the words. She hadn't a clue on how she could convince Petunia to see things through _her_ eyes. In some ways, Lily was ashamed – did it really cross her mind to _threaten_ Petunia into understanding her perspective? It had been so natural to react like this, practiced with a horrifying prowess that Lily did not recognize until now, as she stared down the length of her wand, which was aimed directly at Petunia's arrogant, twisted face.

She had done this many times with Severus, she realized. Threatening him. Telling him that if he wouldn't see reason, she would _force _him.

"I thought so," Petunia intoned, grinning. "Are you about finished? I have better things I could be doing right now."

Lily did nothing, said nothing. She didn't even protest as Petunia grabbed her roughly by the arm and forced her out of the room, slamming the door as loudly as she possibly could. The sharp noise pierced the air and remained resonating in the recesses of Lily's mind, echoing with the clarity of a gunshot. Alone, Lily allowed herself a moment of weakness, as a single tear fell down her cheek. She wiped it away quickly, almost as if she were alarmed it had even been there, before she went to her own room to pack.

With war coming, Lily realized, she should get used to losing things.


End file.
